If you’re convinced your breakup isn’t the end… if you can’t stand the idea of moving on, and if you’re willing to do anything to get your ex back… then you must follow the six rules I’ll be covering in this article, or there’s a very good chance your breakup WILL be permanent. Now, let’s get into it.
Rule #1. Do NOT let your ex see your emotions.
This rule can be EXTREMELY difficult to follow for two reasons. First, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that breakups are hard. They make you question everything in your life: your self-worth, your attractiveness, your future, and so much more.They mess with your sleep, your eating, and your general routine. And on top of that, the one person you’d usually turn to in a difficult situation just dumped you! That’s the other reason this is so difficult. We come to rely on our ex during hard times so it’s only natural to turn to them for comfort and love.
It can seem impossible to hide your emotions from your ex when all you want to do is cry in their arms. But, ultimately, the reason that this is difficult is the same reason that it’s so effective: And that is that your ex EXPECTS you to be sad and heartbroken. They think that you’re going to completely collapse without them and be, basically, a big puddle of tears… but if you seem totally unaffected by the breakup, it’s going to have a huge effect on them.
It will make you seem like a strong, confident person. It’s also going to hurt their confidence because it will seem like the breakup was no big deal to you. They know how much they’re hurting—and, yes, even if they dumped you, they’re still hurting a lot—and they see you’re totally fine, and they’ll think that they really made a mistake. And, best of all, you’re going to SURPRISE your ex. In my Ex Factor program, I talk a lot about how important it is to UPEND your ex’s expectations. This means that you don’t want to do what your ex is expecting you to do. Not only will this get them off balance and surprised, it will also show them that you’re not exactly who they thought you were, which is what you want.
The version of you they THINK they know is one they don’t want. So how can you put this into practice? If and when you do talk to your ex, just try to be neutral emotionally. Don’t talk about how sad you’ve been since the breakup, how much you miss them, things like that. At the same time, don’t show anger towards your ex, even if you feel it. This is only going to drive them away. And also, don’t be overly happy or cheery when you see your ex. I know this is tempting, especially if you really want to rub it in their face, but it’s only going to come across weird to them.
They can believe that you’re dealing well with the breakup, but they won’t believe that you’re having the time of your life.
Rule #2. DON’T talk to their friends.
I know this may be obvious to a lot of you, but I often get coaching clients telling me that their ex wouldn’t answer their calls so they reached out to their friend or family to see what was up. First off, if you’re doing No Contact, you should probably just go ahead and include their friends in that too because nothing good can come from you socializing with them. Because as soon as you hang up the phone, they’re going to immediately run to your ex and tell them EXACTLY what you said, and they’re not going to make you look good. So there’s no reason to confide in, hang out with, or talk to their friends in any way during this time apart. And that means you definitely shouldn’t date or sleep with their friends during this time either.
That would be a huge mistake. Instead, reach out to your own friends and family and use them as a support system. Don’t lean on them too much—it does get a bit exhausting when all your friend talks about is their ex all the time—but it’s a lot better to confide in or seek support from your close friends and family than any of your ex’s friends.
Rule #3. Don’t think of this as the end.
There’s a reason that I refer to this period as your “time apart.” It’s because you need to be confident if you want any hope of getting your ex back. You can’t start thinking that you’ve lost your one chance at happiness, that you’re unlovable, and that you’re going to die alone. Remember, these are self-fulfilling prophecies. Whether you think you can get your ex back or think you can’t get your ex back… you’re going to end up being right. So think of it this way: you and the person you love are having trouble right now. You’re both taking some space and hopefully, after a little time, you’re going to be able to heal and come back together.
Whenever you’re having doubts, come back to this idea and hold it in your mind. Obviously there are no guarantees, but you need to feel this confidence if you want a second chance with your ex.
Rule #4. Don’t be friends with your ex.
I know that it’s tempting to get closeness with your ex any way you can, but being their friend is not the answer. This is a pitfall that almost everyone falls into once in their life and once you have, you never do it again. This is because being friends with your ex RARELY gets you closer to getting them back. It actually hurts your chances in the vast majority of cases. See, if you stay connected with your ex in this way, you’re building new memories and associations in your ex’s mind. Instead of thinking of you as this person they loved and had a relationship with, they’re starting to see you as just their friend who they have platonic fun with. The more you do this, the less they look at you like a serious romantic option.
You’ll fall into the friend-zone, basically. And that is if they even believe that you really ARE friends. Many people will maintain a “friendship” with their ex that’s really just a way of keeping them close to avoid the pain of the breakup and to use them as a plan B. If this is what your ex is doing, then not only are they never going to get back with you, they’re going to start to lose respect for you, because it will be clear that you’re only hanging around in hopes of winning them back. This can come across as a little pathetic, honestly.
Rule #5. Get out, be social, and stay busy.
Nothing can make the pain of a bad breakup suddenly disappear. Only time can heal the heartache you’re feeling… but there is, thankfully, a way to numb the pain until you get back together with your ex. And that temporary solution is basically just to stay busy and keep yourself occupied… and I MEAN occupied. If there’s a 10-minute block in your day tomorrow where you’ve got nothing planned, get your phone out and line up a coffee date with a friend to fill that spare time. At this stage, time alone with your thoughts is the enemy and it’s only going to make you feel worse than you already do to sit around and ruminate about this breakup.
So push yourself out of your comfort zone by meeting new people, going on casual dates, picking up new hobbies, and spending as much time as you can with friends and family. I know this sounds so pointless and seems like it’s not going to make any difference to getting your ex back… but I promise you, I’ve been a breakup coach for 14 years now, so I know for a fact that this is one of the single most powerful things you can do to get through your breakup and get a fresh start with your ex. Staying busy and being social, active, and putting yourself out there… It really works. Not only to boost your confidence and keep your mind off your ex, but also to incite a bit of jealousy or FOMO in your ex’s mind… and to create new interesting things you can talk about with your ex once you begin to reconnect and re-attract them.
Rule #6. Less is more.
Yes, I know that you’re here read this article because you’re looking for what to do next. You want some magical phrase or a series of messages that are going to blow your ex’s mind. You want to come up with some huge romantic gesture to win them back once and for all. The truth is that this is the wrong approach. As hard as it is, you need to act slowly and methodically right now. And you need to give your ex a lot of space. Getting an ex back can be like petting a cat… you don’t want to run up to them and get all up in their face or you’re going to scare them off. It’s always better to text your ex less… to end a conversation early… to leave them wanting more. This is the way forward. Slow and steady wins the race here. If you are wondering how to fill this time, remember, staying busy is the best thing you can do. Don’t sit on the couch and do nothing.
Don’t obsess over a text to send your ex. The more you can let go… the less time you spend obsessing over your ex and stressing about whether or not they’ll take you back… the more likely that it’s actually going to happen. I’m not saying do NOTHING, just that you can’t force it and if you push too hard or move too fast… that’s going to scare them away and potentially blow your chances for good.
Alright, well… those are six key principles that I have my clients follow when they begin trying to win back their ex. These aren’t the only steps you’ll need to take, obviously, but they will help minimize risk and maximize your chances of saving the relationship.
